Saturday, June 22, 2019

Enemy bedpans of Alexandra Petri

   Although showing a lot of white, 
   this image does not pretend to be
   a reliable depiction of Alexandra
   Petri, who doesn't slouch and who
   - although hip - probably hasn't
   the time to impersonate a figure
   cited in one of her columns. But,
   plausible depiction of her or not,
   it isn't every day one has an ex-
   cuse to present a cineplex cutout
   of Kristen Stewart, whose ingenu-
   ity it is, to be relevant in all
   contexts. And today's context is,
   the confluence of a Petri dish on
   the American President worthy of
   Stewart, herself, and the publica-
   tion of further evidence of his
   career as the fitting-room rapist
   of Bergdorf Goodman - once Trump, 
   Inc had eliminated Bonwit Teller.
   Oh, and Russia, if you're listen-
   ing, hide those eliminations.

   It is a very good thing, that
   Alexandra Petri's trysts with hu-
   mor are episodically inconsistent,
   because at their worst they are
   horrifyingly, terrifyingly funny,
   and few are the bed frames capable
   of withstanding the convulsions of
   laughter they sometimes provoke.
   Into the near-perfection of her
   most recent essay, the interlinea-
   tion of the reference to Kristen
   Stewart's suffering at the thumbs
   of the American President would 
   be too much for any mattress, if
   that epoch in our past had not
   won verification by infinite ex-
   amples of his idiocy, since then.

   Yet the tacit backdrop of Petri's
   present épergne is the immortal
   finding of his late Secretary of
   State, Rex Tillerson, which has
   never been denied: What a moron,
   is all we can quote, and keep a
   rating for reading aloud. Laugh
   as we may, who can doubt that by
   nightfall, the President's incon-
   tinent inconsistencies will gain
   him another Nobel Peace Prize for
   canceling a war crime he'd willed
   moments before. We, for our part,
   tremble for how soon the other
   shoe will thud, when he sues Joe
   Biden for plagiarizing his schtick
   for coddling Confederates. He never
   reigns, but he stains.

Linus Wordemann

Alexandra Petri
The Washington Post
21 June 2019©

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